A How-to on the Perfect Homecoming Catastrophe

By K. Nguyen, Staff Writer

How to: make homecoming miserable for your date whom you really thought was kind of cute at first, but now, after having to decide on dress and tie colors, flowers and dinner reservations in addition to constant fighting over nothing, you began to despise each other in a way never thought possible.

1. Your very first option: Be sure to have all of the lights in your house ON. When your “it\’s-just-a-high-school-dance-get-over-yourself-zilla” of a date comes a-knockin\’ at your door, turn off all of the lights and scream, “No one is home! Try back tomorrow!”

2. First one too soft for you? Then try this: If you were brave enough to get through the “meet and greet” with your date\’s family, (along with whichever other random family friends or relatives that decided to tag along to oogle at how “[insert your date\'s name here] is growing up so fast!”) then you will probably be FORCED (not asked, I mean it when I say, “FORCED”) to take pictures. This would be the most appropriate time to sabotage them. How, you may ask? It\’s actually quite simple; don\’t be afraid to get a little creative. Any of the following will ruin their outfit instantly and efficiently: the classic honey and feathers, squishing a wad of ABC gum in their hair, pouring gasoline all over them, (CAUTION: Hazardous and Highly Flammable. Keep away from open fire), throwing cottage cheese at their torso, altering their outfit with the use of a nice pair of sharp scissors, or throwing a fluffy white cat on them. Use your imagination.

3. Option Three: You can always jump out of the car/ limo/ tractor/ airplane/ boat/ magic-horse-drawn-carriage-gifted-to-your-date-by-his-or-her-fairy-godmother/go kart/ wagon/ smart car that was supposed to take you to homecoming. Note: be sure to have cab fare or a ride home if you choose this option, or else you will be stuck in the middle of nowhere for hours, days and maybe even years. Oh, and jump out when the car is at a complete stop or you\’ll ruin your heels.

4. Option Four: Ditch your date at the dance. Once you get in those doors, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, and don\’t look back. This option requires a lot of endurance; you will go from dancing to running to dancing to running and then you\’ll think you\’re safe but end up running some more.

5. Presenting! Your very last resort: If none of the options above are your cup of tea, you can always do the old fashioned rejection and tell the guy or girl, “I don\’t want to go to homecoming with you; you\’re crazy” the night before the dance. They may cry, scream or bite you; this is normal. However, it will all be worth it.

Remember: “Crazy is as crazy does.” -UnknownCrazy!